Trapped

I am still imprisoned by this dark past memories

Created by the monsters inside my head

Playing like a record everyday

Devours all the positivities I have

The pain,

the melancholy,

Are the things that I remember at the end of the day

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6:15 pm

If ever I kill myself, I hope that God would allow me to enter his kingdom. That’s all I want.

I Sometimes Feel

I sometimes feel that I don’t deserve to be loved.

I sometimes feel that I don’t belong in this world.

I sometimes feel that I don’t exist.

I sometimes feel everything so deeply until I get tired feeling anything.

It was I who overthinks a lot.

It was I who make things very complicated.

It was I and my demons inside my head who makes all these things worst.

My Thought about my Depression

I always pray to God that if He could take away my life now, that would be the greatest gift He could ever give to me. What’s the point of living here? To suffer so much pain? To experience more on how they bully/make fun of me without mentioning my name? But I know it’s me—the one they are talking to and no one else. I don’t deserve to live in this cruel world. Sometimes Lord you’re so unfair. You just take away any life whatever you want but you can’t take away my life now. Why can’t you do that simple thing for me? Can’t you see I’m suffering very hard? Can’t you hear my cries every night? Don’t you have a pity on me? You know how scared I am every time I go to school because I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m scared being judged by other people again. Until when will I feel this burdens I’m carrying for a long time? Is that for a lifetime? Do I have the rights left to become happy? It seems that the world is against me. 19 years of existence is enough. Thank you for that Lord but I can no longer hold this burdens anymore. I’m sorry if one day I did those terrible things. So many years I’ve been waiting expecting that everything will change but until now there’s nothing change happened. My situation is getting worse as I am here on Earth. The world would be better without my existence because I’m such a burden to other people. I’m so tired being such this kind of person. A stinky kind of person. Who would accept this kind of person like me? None. I did my best to be a perfect person but nothing change happens. No one knows how conscious am in my body especially when I’m starting to sweat due to so much movements or the hotness of the environment. I always asked some of my friends about that thing and they would say ‘there’s nothing, it’s only running on your mind’ but I know there is. Why would the other people bully me/alluding hurtful words if they didn’t smell anything from me? I’m losing hope. All I want is to put their shoes on me so that they will understand what I feel. I really hate myself being like this. I’m so tired being like this.