Trapped

I am still imprisoned by this dark past memories

Created by the monsters inside my head

Playing like a record everyday

Devours all the positivity I have

The pain,

the melancholy,

Are the things that I remember at the end of the day

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A Farewell Letter

My depression started when I was in second year college since I was bullied for having this kind of imperfections that I will carry until I die. Every painful details that flashback on my mind kills me and that moment stayed like a record that I couldn’t stop playing everyday, an everyday nightmare that I couldn’t convince to stop haunting me. It’s so difficult to wake up everyday having this heavy feeling that I couldn’t let all out because at some point, I know it may happen anytime again. I am still traumatized from what happened in the past and I think this kind of trauma is permanently planted deep inside my heart that’s always bothering my fragile mind. I keep thinking the past memories whenever I hear some hurtful words to anyone and it’s so difficult to expunge the bad memories and forget everything and start all over again but that’s not an easy task to do. It takes a lot of time and I don’t know when. It’s more difficult to faced monsters everyday in this judgmental world because all they knew is to cast affliction on you that’s why I really hate school, crowds, socializing and speaking in front of many people because I know what will happen next. There are days when my depression strikes me so hard to the point that I lose my appetite and the worst is I won’t eat for a day and there are days that I’m thinking to end all this pain that I am feeling for a very long time but I don’t, perhaps I am terrified to leave a scar to the people who deeply love me so instead of that, I let myself drown in darkness and melancholy. I think I won’t be mended from this and am sure once my soul get really really tired, it will be the end of my world. I always feel like a wilting flower that will died soon. I’m done with everything and everything tires me. Adiós!

Depressed

I always pray to God that if He could take away my life now, that would be the greatest gift He could ever give to me. What’s the point of living here? To suffer so much pain? To experience more on how they bully/make fun of me without mentioning my name? But I know it’s me—the one they are talking to and no one else. I don’t deserve to live in this cruel world. Sometimes Lord you’re so unfair. You just take away any life whatever you want but you can’t take away my life now. Why can’t you do that simple thing for me? Can’t you see I’m suffering very hard? Can’t you hear my cries every night? Don’t you have a pity on me? You know how scared I am every time I go to school because I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m scared being judged by other people again. Until when will I feel this burdens I’m carrying for a long time? Is that for a lifetime? Do I have the rights left to become happy? It seems that the world is against me. 19 years of existence is enough. Thank you for that Lord but I can no longer hold this burdens anymore. I’m sorry if one day I did those terrible things. So many years I’ve been waiting expecting that everything will change but until now there’s nothing change happened. My situation is getting worse as I am here on Earth. The world would be better without my existence because I’m such a burden to other people. I’m so tired being such this kind of person. A stinky kind of person. Who would accept this kind of person like me? None. I did my best to be a perfect person but nothing change happens. No one knows how conscious am in my body especially when I’m starting to sweat due to so much movements or the hotness of the environment. I always asked some of my friends about that thing and they would say ‘there’s nothing, it’s only running on your mind’ but I know there is. Why would the other people bully me/alluding hurtful words if they didn’t smell anything from me? I’m losing hope. All I want is to put their shoes on me so that they will understand what I feel. I really hate myself being like this. I’m so tired being like this.