My depression started when I was in second year college since I was bullied for having this kind of imperfections that I will carry until I die. Every painful details that flashback on my mind kills me and that moment stayed like a record that I couldn’t stop playing everyday, an everyday nightmare that I couldn’t convince to stop haunting me. It’s so difficult to wake up everyday having this heavy feeling that I couldn’t let all out because at some point, I know it may happen anytime again. I am still traumatized from what happened in the past and I think this kind of trauma is permanently planted deep inside my heart that’s always bothering my fragile mind. I keep thinking the past memories whenever I hear some hurtful words to anyone and it’s so difficult to expunge the bad memories and forget everything and start all over again but that’s not an easy task to do. It takes a lot of time and I don’t know when. It’s too difficult to faced monsters everyday in this judgmental world because all they knew is to cast affliction on you that’s why I really hate school, crowds, socializing and speaking in front of many people because I know what will happen next. There are days when my depression strikes me so hard to the point that I lose my appetite and the worst is I won’t eat for a day and there are days that I’m thinking to end all this pain that I am feeling for a very long time but I don’t, perhaps I am terrified to leave a scar to the people who deeply love me so instead of that, I let myself drown in darkness and melancholy. I think I won’t be mended from this and am sure once my soul get really really tired, it will be the end of my world. I always feel like a wilting flower that will died soon. I’m done with everything and everything tires me. Adiós!
I still remember the day we first met
At the aromatic coffee shop on the first street
With the bouquet you suddenly gave
Someone like me
Those flowers reminds me of you
Your love full of beauty and understanding
A flower that reminds me,
How blessed I am
To have a chance to cherish you in this lifetime
I still remember how you love staring at me
Like one of those luring stars in this starry night
Showering you radiant lights
Whenever darkness cripples in
I still remember how you sang my favourite song
With your voice that sounds like a whale
Just to make this girl fall
Fall in love deeper and deeper to you
I still remember how we danced
Under those clouds pouring all those rain
You made me feel like nothing
Nothing is sweeter than this
I still remember how we lie down on the grass field
Like how I feel the softness of our bed
Counting the luminous stars while giving you a warm hug
I still remember the way you talked
With your countless sweet nothings and daydreams
Your infinite dreams for our future
And those silly jokes just to make me laugh
I still remember the way you held my hand
Like nothing can tear us apart
I still remember how you always smell
Your kisses that take me home wherever
I still remember how you sincerely whisper
Those magic words to my ears
“I love you”
If only I can go back in time
If only I can give you some more time
If only I didn’t take you for granted
I always thought
“Maybe you’d still be with me”
Building our future
stacking them little by little
To build the Lego house
And dreams we only dreamt about
But alas, all I could do now is to remember
Remember those sugary sweet things you did to me
Those times and moments we’ve shared
But to my dismay, I still remember
How you did all those things to her
The girl you’re holding now
The girl soon to be your queen
The girl whom you spend the rest of your life
My love, I’m done
Forgive me but this time will be the last
The last time I’ll wish you were here
The last time I’ll ask those what “ifs”
The last time I’ll cry for you
The last time I’ll remember those moments
Now, all I need is not you
But freedom for myself
And let all these things be
I gazed at the mirror and saw a series of constellations enclosed in my face—
Some are old, some are new and some are going to explode soon leaving an indelible holes.
Confessions of a Wallflower and I Am The Architect Of My Own Destruction by Juansen Dizon are available in Amazon.com. Please grab your copies now. :))
Camille, I love you. I hope my books sell. I hope I don’t go mad again. I’m so happy to have met you, known you and loved you. I’m so happy that I’m not good at parties. I’m so happy that I don’t go to parties. I’m so happy that a girl like you exists who’s also introverted, kind and needy and I can now laugh at how lonely and miserable I felt last summer. I’m so happy that I’m still alive and every morning I take a deep breath thinking: you are the rest of my fucked up life.
Happy endings are just only a fantasy, a fiction, a sort of myth because the truth is: Everybody is destined to leave us (in the end).
Staring at you is like staring at how luring the twinkling, dancing stars are.
My mind’s full of thought,
With unending struggles;
No matter how long I fought,
I know, in the end, I will lose again this battles.
This is so lovely. ❤️
I passed by Camille’s house on the way home to Manila.
I bought a hotdog sandwich and a minute maid orange juice at 7-Eleven. Then I wrote what I really felt about her in my journal then ripped the page.
She makes me heal.
She makes me love her.
She makes me want to live.
I told her sister not to wake her up and let her know that I passed by to say good morning. I placed the breakfast and the love note on the dining table.
Her father was outside, and he smiled at me for the first time. Like a genuine smile. The smile that you can see in a person’s eyes and he was smiling with his eyes. That didn’t make me smile sadly but deep inside that was a very happy moment for me.
On the way home I wanted to cry because I was…
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